What You Are Afraid Of Is Where The Juice Is- Nancy Hillis MD. This updated article ran previously.
What You’re Afraid of Is Where The Juice Is
When I think about creating, I’m reminded of the perils we each face as we say “yes” to our yearning to express ourselves.
In the middle of the road of my life
I awoke in a dark wood
And the true way
Was wholly lost.
These words written by 14th century poet Dante Alighieri speak across the centuries of being at a crossroads in one’s life. This is the moment we awake and feel suddenly lost and afraid.
What scares you?
Are you
- at a crossroads?
- avoiding your art because you feel lost, rudderless, without direction?
- longing to create with aliveness and meaning and yet find yourself mortified by external criticism?
Or worse, is it your own harsh voice that you fear? Do you feel inadequate, not good enough, intimidated? Are you desiring approval from your audience in order to assuage your vulnerability?
Perhaps you’ve been on a roll of painting like your hair’s on fire (read about it here: “Bite Into It Baby“) only to be terrified that the muse will drop you like a hot potato and skedaddle to wherever muses go when they’re bored.
Or does the blank canvas bring up terror……..and avoidance?
The truth: Every Artist Has Fear!
Don’t despair. The good news is you’re not alone! We’re in this together.
You Can Start Anywhere
Just start! Zero to One.
From nothing (zero) to something (one) is the largest interval mathematically. Going from nothing to something is a bigger step than going from something to something (one to two, two to three and so forth).
The Creative Life Cycle
I’ve had a lifelong interest in creativity. In my television program, Creativity and Consciousness, I interviewed artists, musicians, dancers, composers, actors, and writers and learned that the experience of fear is universal for creators.
It goes something like this: You’re living your life. It’s familiar, it’s known. Yet, you have a deep yearning to create, to experience a feeling of aliveness and meaning. Before long, you are called to answer your heart’s desire, to step into the unknown.
Answering The Call
And one day you accept the invitation.
And you’re immediately plunged into the unknown. There are perils.
Because you answered the call of your longing to create, you are now on your artist’s journey which is akin to the hero’s journey found in great literature and film.
What Are The Perils?
The perils are: fear, vulnerability, self doubt, second guessing, overthinking, self criticism, paralysis, creative block, just to name a few.
Why Would You Knowingly Place Yourself In Harm’s Way?
Because you know that in order to feel alive and to make meaning you must take this journey.
Heeding the call of your heart’s desire to create art is taking action in ways that are meaningful, mysterious, and essential.
You also know that the deepest meaning is in the experiencing of creation.
Imagining yourself on your death bed regretting that you never allowed yourself to be fully present, exploring the reaches of who you are, would be a tragedy more intolerable than any risks you’ll face on this journey.
In essence, you say ‘yes’ to this perilous expedition because you simply must live your life with aliveness and meaning.
And Then What Happens?
As in the great old stories, guides show up to help you. Dante, in The Divine Comedy had the Roman poet, Virgil. Luke Skywalker had Yoda. Frodo Baggins had Gandalf. You get the idea. You have mentors, teachers, fellow artists, and even yourself. But……..
You mean there’s more danger?
Yes. Inevitably there’s the dark night of the soul. The moment you must face alone. The hour of your greatest self doubt. “What was I thinking?” you ask yourself.
This is a time when all hope feels lost. You think: I don’t know what I’m doing. I’ll never get there. I’m not good enough. This is a lost cause.
It can look like:
- Boredom
- Avoidance
- Resignation
In painting, this might be the moment when the work seems ugliest and most chaotic.
It’s the middle of the painting and you don’t know what to do.
Some paintings simply don’t work out. We never like or resolve them. Life is like that.
We live with nascent, unfinished paintings and realize later that they are an essential part of our search for meaning.
When we understand that our ‘ugly paintings’ are vital to creating work that is pulsating with aliveness, we get an inkling of the astonishing potency of searching and finding our way as we paint, of raw experimentation.
When it seems like nothing is happening, everything is happening
Clarissa Pinkola Estes wrote extensively about the life/death/life cycle of creation in her book Women Who Run With the Wolves and how dying off is as essential as birth in the creative process.
So what is the transformation?
Trusting yourself.
I believe the most profound and essential experience for a creator is to trust yourself. It’s more important than any amount of theory or technique.
To trust yourself is to accept the fact that some paintings don’t work out and that this is a necessary part of the creative process. Only by trusting yourself will you show us what you love, what excites you, what you care about… ultimately who you are.
The world doesn’t need or want more formulaic art.
The world wants and needs you. Show us you.
Only by trusting yourself will you create paintings that are expressively alive and particular to you, your lexicon, your gesture, your personal signature.
Trust yourself to explore the things that scare you. These are the nascent, unexpressed, unexplored parts of yourself where your un-lived dreams reside. This is the realm of play, improvisation, and pure creativity.
This is where the juice is.
What is your experience of dealing with fear in your painting practice? Where is the juice for you? I would love to hear from you. Please share this post with anyone you know who grapples with fear and may find it helpful.
With gratitude from my studio to yours,
Nancy
Want to go deeper? Get the books! The Artist’s Journey: Bold Strokes To Spark Creativity is also available in Audiobook.
The Artists Journey books- Nancy Hillis MD
Nancy
What a journey you are taking me on It is amazing to be filled with confidence and energy to explore this world of creativity that you make . I feel very blessed to be able to enjoy the spirit of living and creating that you , through the images of your words , can reach me half a world away .Thank you
With warmest wishes Janet M New Zealand
Thank you dear Janet! I’m so honored to be part of your journey! It’s amazing that we are half a world away and yet we communicate across time and space.
Warm wishes to you too,
Nancy
Hi Nancy!
I found you through the Start your Art’ workshop and everything you say resonates so much with me! I have always loved colour and collected small colourful medicine bottles as a child and colouring in and painting anything that fell in my hands. However, as a profession my love for nature and my curiosity led me to science. In recent years J came back to art and apply the same curiosity driven experimental approach to my art. But your words really opened my eyes why this is the right path for me and allows me to stop doubting myself and the purpose of making art. I have been criticised for not developing a particular style as if this was the ultimate goal! I feel so relieved that playing and experimenting and trying out everything is the greatest freedom and fulfilment an artist can have! Thank you for sharing all your great insights!
Hi Marion!
Thank you so much! A kindred spirit! I’m delighted that you enjoyed the interview on Start Your Art and that it resonated deeply with you!
Warmly,
Nancy
Love this one, and I definitely needed it today! Thank you so much for all your inspiration. I have your books and journal. Love them.
Thank you Nancy for your inspiration.
Will you please share with us where did you buy your brush you painted in this newsletter video (after the line “Don’t despair. The good news is you’re not alone! We’re in this together.”)
Hi Mina! You’re welcome. Thank you for being here. The brush is an Escoda sash brush, size 8. I think I got it at Blick.
Warmly,
Nancy
It is always good to read your comments. Thank you.
I’ve been painting/creating since I was 4 yrs old. It’s part of me. I’m now 75 and something has happened. I created my way through a husband, a divorce, two sons, school, another relationship which ended when he died suddenly. I’ve been alone for 18 yrs now. What a roller-coaster. Close people are dying. I didn’t think of that! Most recently my young brother. Certainly never ever thought of that. Now I’m moving after 16 years in one place. Longest ever. I’ve been living/working all over the world since I was 17. Don’t mention retirement or villas. I just keep asking ‘Now what ???’ I’m not one to market myself. ‘Not good enough’ has been my motto.
I’m 70 and have been concentrating on doing nonobjective art for 10 years, after a long gap raiding my son and having a career. It has been a lonely battle with fear. But yesterday two curators came to my house, praises my work and invited me to show it. I still can’t believe it. I had to share this. I’m still scared.
It is always good to read your comments. Thank you.
I’ve been painting/creating since I was 4 yrs old. It’s part of me. I’m now 75 and something has happened. I created my way through a husband, a divorce, two sons, school, another relationship which ended when he died suddenly. I’ve been alone for 18 yrs now. What a roller-coaster. Close people are dying. I didn’t think of that! Most recently my young brother. Certainly never ever thought of that. Now I’m moving after 16 years in one place. Longest ever. I’ve been living/working all over the world since I was 17. Don’t mention retirement or villas. I just keep asking ‘Now what ???’ I’m not one to market myself. ‘Not good enough’ has been my motto.
Hi Noelene,
Thank you for being here and for your kind words. Life is circuitous, filled with unknowns, joys and losses. I’m sorry to hear of the losses you’ve suffered. It sounds like you are resilient as you keep asking: Now what? Keep going. Never give up. Imagine believing in yourself no matter what.
Warmly,
Nancy
Hallo Nancy,
I have just subscribed to your blog as you mentioned several aspects of artistic difficulties that I have……
Look forward to reading/hearing what you have to say.
Thanks Karen. I’m so glad you’re here! You’re not alone in the struggles that come up for artists!
Nancy, I’m going to email you. I’m not sure where to move on to next in these wonderful talks. Bett
Hi Bett,
Thank you for your kind words! I just emailed you about navigating the course. Nancy
Hi Nancy, I just signed up for your blog. ‘Am looking forward to receiving your posts!
Thanks so much Margo!
Hi Nancy, love this blog and it really has resonated with me. I hide from creating by looking at others, signing up to courses and doing a bit of them. It sounds cliche but the phrase “the realm of play and pure creativity” sums me up. I “play” in the wrong way, by pinning, insta likes etc. I need to substitute the passive and addictive “play” with active and sensory based playing and exploring. Often I make the excuse of when but I find time for the digital stuff.
Thanks for the blog, now to action.